Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 6 #football #funny @meganslayer

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The Bengals had an off week, which could be good…could be bad. Depends. It does appear the new OC is helping, so let’s hope it continues to do so. The Browns lost…no shock there. I wish they’d get everything some kind of sorted out. Ah…eventually, right?Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions because it’s time to laugh:

“Impossibly flexible.” 

I want to see pictures. Demonstrations.

“Gigantic Ball.”

Let’s hope there’s nothing wrong with it.

“He got lathered up.”

For? Details, man!

“Intended for the tight end–deflected.”

Guess he didn’t want it after all.

Now for the Quotes from Week 5. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Couldn’t handle it.”

Then deflect it.

“Gotta get that thing back down there.”

It’s out of control!!

“Takes him inside, then goes all the way back outside.”

Tease.

“Grabs him from behind.”

Must be tired of being teased.

“His hands are so good.”

That’s why he’s the favorite.

“Little grabs everywhere.”

Someone put a leash on him! Uncalled for.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“He can be streaky.”

Um…is he glass cleaner? Toilet cleaner? Why else would he be streaky? Just asking.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • When Collinsworth gets stuck on a team/player, he’s stuck. Is he turning into Joe Buck?
  • The commentators sure enjoy second-guessing the refs. They make dumb calls, don’t get me wrong, but not EVERY call is wrong.
  • What is it with certain players/teams getting away with cheap shots, hard hits and really uncool actions, while others don’t? Hmm…. Is Goodell being paid off? Makes one wonder…

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0
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Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 5 #football #funny @meganslayer

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It’s that time…time to laugh. We need a few laughs right now since it’s not been a great week. Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions:

“He’s got a big arm.” 

Ah, but what’s he doing with it?

“He’s nothing if not entertaining.”

Well, with that big arm, of course.

“Opening more holes than we’ve seen tonight.”

It’s that big arm, man!

“Would love to stack the box.”

If he’s using that big arm, then there might not be enough room, but feel free to try.

Now for the Quotes from Week 5. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Look at that penetration.”

It’s the arm.

“Soon you’re clutching underneath.”

Clutching or clenching?

“Leading into the hole.”

Like a honing device.

“Complimentary receiver.”

If where he’s leading is wanting, then more the merrier.

“Right on top of him.”

Because he’s the complimentary receiver.

“You may feel some pressure and you’ll have to step up.”

Is this football, sex or an exam from a doctor? Jeebus.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“I didn’t get much meat there.”

He was talking about a sandwich, but since we’re in the midst of a football game…it just sounds sexist and kinky. Maybe they like that meat in there.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • What’s with the pointing out the obvious? We saw it. Don’t circle it, too.
  • What’s the questioning and re-questioning the refs? Just show the play and let it play out. Don’t try to be the ref. You have no idea what you’re doing..

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 4 #football #funny @meganslayer

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Well, I didn’t watch the win since the household decided to not watch football – I watched some anyway because…it’s football and I love my sport – for the time being, but the Bengals pulled one off. Okay, so it was against the Browns. I actually thought it would be a decent match up. Maybe I was the only one. Shrugs. It’s still a win and we needed that.

To celebrate the win, let’s get to the quotes!! Here are the ones from last week and a few from week 2.

“He wants to spread it out on each snap.” 

He must be the Fonz.

“Took it right in the drops.”

I’ve never heard of it that way, but if that’s the new slang…the drops.

“A had penetration, but B finished the job.”

So DP, but A never finished?

“Just physical contact and not a blow.”

I think you need physical contact for the blow, but if it’s just straight doin’ it, then just physical contact would be right.

Now for the Quotes from Week 4. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Vertical presence at the tight end position.”

That’s a salute, that is.

“Poke him in the eye…ya come right back.”

Or you get decked.

“No one playing better in the red zone.”

That’s not what she said.

“Lingered a little over him.”

Making sure it’s good to the last drop.

“They wanted Gore, they got more Gore.”

Was it messy or the man?

“Got a body on him.”

Like, the guy is bigger or that’s just how much…er…body…he’s got? These things need to be explained and illustrated better.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“Trying to fit the hole.”

It’s rather important the player fits the hole. The play certainly isn’t more fun if it’s too small or WAY too big. Just sayin’.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Someone explain to me why Collinsworth is so infatuated with checks. He checked everything on the screen!
  • Who was Gruden’s Go To? Evan Engram. Couldn’t stop talking about him. Oh and Matt Stafford being worth the money. Reminded me of a certain Musburger moment.
  • We don’t need Gruden to state the obvious. It’s a catch. We saw that. But the thing about Gruden…once he states the obvious, he NEVER expands on it. Okay, so WHY was that team bad in the red zone last year? If you’re going to talk, make it make sense.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 3 #football @meganslayer

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I started this blog feature because I love the sport of football. I started it because of the funny things the announcers said. Much of what they say is pure drivel, but some of it is fodder for comedy.  Taking things up the middle, tight ends in a row…shoving it in. Those can be the start of funny lines and stories. I love to laugh. I love to watch football.

When I was a kid, I didn’t have much choice. Sundays were for football. Saturdays were for college football. No questions. We watched even if we didn’t want to. Why? Because that’s what my grandfather loved. Even if his team wasn’t winning, we watched. I knew when we went to his house on Sunday, there wouldn’t be any cartoons on. No kid shows or even non sports shows. Just football. During the summer, it was baseball.

At home with my folks, the same rules applied. Football in the winter and baseball in the summer. I grew up in a house divided. Mom and brother were Cleveland fans in baseball and football and father and I loved Cincinnati. There were infamous moments such as the Cleveland-Denver game that kept Cleveland from the AFC Championship (aka The Drive) or the Super Bowl in which the Bengals managed to lose to the 49ers (in our house it was known as the boot game because a work boot was thrown in anger after the loss). We lived and survived the relocation of the Browns to Baltimore and the perpetual rebuild of the 1999 replacement Browns team. It’s been tough.

I feel closer to my grandfather when I watch football. Why? Because he loved the sport so. It’s tough for me this year because he’s no longer here. I can’t put my feet up and listen to him argue with the refs or give coaching advice that the players will never hear.

I’d love to find humor in the sport of football right now. I really would. I’d love to be able to ignore what’s going on and focus on the game. But I can’t. I’m struggling. I don’t want these guys playing the game I love coming down with brain injuries. That’s terrible. But there’s a catch-22. No hard hits means no brain injury, but if they don’t tackle, then what’s the point of playing the game? Should we rename it touch football? Flag football? Get rid of the sport entirely?

I’m not seeing a whole lot of funny in the sport these days.  Not because my team isn’t playing well. That happens. Good playing comes in waves. Some years are great. Others aren’t. Players move on. Players get hurt. Some lose their touch. Others come on like wildfire. Others just have a spark that burns out too quickly. Some groups mesh while others can’t find the magic. Some coaches and staff inspire. Some divide. Sports dynasties rise and they fall. Like I said, that all happens. But the state of the sport scares me. I want to watch the game. I want to be entertained. I want to see grit, determination and spunk. Sometimes it feels like that grit and determination have disappeared in favor of other things.

Do I have answers about what’s going on? I have thoughts, but I won’t express them here. Maybe next week I’ll feel differently and will be able to post about the funnies from the game. I’ve got a whole notebook filled with three years of silly quotes. So many games and so many silly things said.

I bleed red and white for my Reds and orange and black for my Bengals, but right now I don’t see anything funny. Maybe soon. I hope soon. I love my sports. I hope they love me, too.

 

 

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 2 #football #funny @meganslayer

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Who is going to beat the Bengals? Apparently the Ravens and the Texans. Oy…’tis been a tough week for the Bengal fans. At least we weren’t shut out of the second game. Still, it’s a bit painful.

So to easy my pain, how about the funny quotes of the week? These are all honorable mentions because so I can gather the second week quotes! 🙂 Next week…it’s game on. (I hope.)

Let’s get started.

“Came into the kiss.” 

Interesting.

“They pounded him.”

Maybe that’s what he wanted.

“Applying the pressure.”

Of course. They’re pounding him.

“Bang the round.”

So he’s part of a group getting pounding…gotcha.

Now for the Quotes from Week 2. Oh boy. Those sports casters really need to think before they speak. 

“They’ll rush three and drop eight so they’ll clog up the middle.”

Or it’s just a group thing and strategy.

“Going right after him in the slot.”

Hope they cleaned up after each other.

“He blew everyone away.”

Because he’s great in that slot.

“The tight end brought in from Indy.”

Sounds like he was a special order.

“Spread wide and to the right”

For those who need more direction for their play.

“He doesn’t go out ad could go all the way”

Isn’t that the point?

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“He’s a load inside.”

Yes, yes he is. He’s all man and I’m glad you noticed. Nothing like an observant commentator.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Someone explain to me the infatuation Collinsworth has with butts. He loves to draw on butts.
  • Why is Collinsworth obsessed with saying “Keeping Brady clean”? Will he wilt if he gets dirty? Inquiring minds want to know.
  • Oh and four interceptions for Dalton during the Ravens game. Good job. At least he didn’t have any during the Texans game and they were only at a four point deficit.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 1 #football #funny @meganslayer

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This is the first week of the regular season and whoopie!! Football!! I’m excited and a little nervous. Hey, the first time is always nerve-wracking. Hehe.

Now that the season has started, here are the remainder preseason quotes. These are all honorable mentions because so I can gather the official first week quotes! 🙂 Next week…it’s game on.

Let’s get started.

“Can’t lead with tight ends.” 

Who says?

“Immensely gifted.”

Well, if he’s one of those tight ends…I want to see for myself.

“He’s a pocket pleaser.”

Yeah, we need to see this one…for study.

“Really deep in the receiver position.”

He’s aiming to please.

“Uneven match up.”

Depends on how you look at it.

“Came with a big stick”

For those tight ends.

“They got a two tight end set.”

For the guy with the big stick.

“A whole lot of man.”

That’s one way of describing him. Hehehe.

~ ~ ~

Well, those are the quotes from the  rest week.

Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! Oh, and WHO DEY!

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Preseason Week 4 #football #funny @meganslayer

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The powers that be are arguing as to whether there should be four weeks of preseason or if it should be shorter. My quick answer is that I want football now… but my longer answer is this – the teams need more time, especially in-game time, to figure out who should stay and who might not be the best fit. They need the real-world experiences to test the players.  My Bengals haven’t fared well win-wise during the preseason and they managed to get John Ross hurt. Grr. But, Mixon looked good and hopefully Dalton will have the rust knocked off by the first week…which has two games in it because the Bengals are overachievers!!

Until the season starts, here are the preseason quotes. There were a few goodies from the second week that didn’t quite make the cut last time around, but they’re here now! Let’s get started.

“Not being able to find protection.” 

Trojans aren’t that hard to find…

“Everybody’s manned up on the inside.”

I bet that’s stuffed!

“Extends it out.”

Well, yeah, because everyone’s on the inside.

“Quick hips.”

He’s aiming to please.

“I remember when the #9 used to deliver a blow.”

As opposed to using his quick hips.

Now for those wonderful quotes this week from the various preseason games. You won’t want to miss these.

“Fires to a wide-open player.”

Better than handing off to one who is busy.

“Uneven matchup.”

Missed the wide open one, didn’t you?

“In the red zone, you don’t need that much, but you take what you need.”

I’m sure he can find satisfaction…eventually.

“Power edge.”

Someone took the bdsm slant this week.

“A lot of pressure from within.”

Because it’s still super full.

“Immensely gifted.”

That must be how he can get so much pressure on the inside.

And now for the Doozy of the Week…this is the one that had me scratching my head the longest or was just so far out there…I couldn’t believe it. Ready?

“He’s a better pocket pleaser.”

That’s why we keep him around. He knows how to make everyone happy.

~ ~ ~

Well, those are the quotes from the third week of the madness.

Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! Oh, and WHO DEY!

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0