Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 9 #football #funny @meganslayer

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We managed to win against the Colts. Wasn’t pretty. Wasn’t easy. At least the trade between the Bengals and the Browns to get rid of McCarron didn’t go through. TYG

Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions because it’s time to laugh:

“Draws the defense inside and they get comfy in there.” 

Quaint.

“They’ve done it all different ways.”

Is there any other method?

“The center just rises up.”

I assume that’s where he wants it to go.

“0-2 for deep shots.”

That’s bad. Poor him.

Now for the Quotes from Week 9. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Went deep in the play.”

He needed to keep it strung out.

“Up the gut.”

He broke that 0-2 streak.

“Brought more people to the line.”

Conga!

“Coming around on a pull.”

I want photos of that.

 

“Threw off the angles of pursuit.”

But no one’s complaining.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“Opened things up for him.”

A fluffer!

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Once they get stuck on a word, like lumber, they don’t stop.
  • Once they pick a favorite, they don’t budge. I guess they’re all stuck in ruts.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! My Bengals are starting to look better. Whew. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0
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Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 8 #football #funny @meganslayer

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Well…this hasn’t been the best of weeks for my team. Not good. The game…wasn’t good. But there will be another. Always is until the end of the season.

Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions because it’s time to laugh:

“Squatted on that route.” 

Gross.

“Gonna go over your head.”

Better than in your eye.

“When he goes to the left side, he goes into the slot.”

I assume that’s where he wants it to go.

“A lot of leg on it.”

And they’ll feel it in the morning.

Now for the Quotes from Week 8. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Rips it out.”

Better than leaving it in too long.

“Got good penetration.”

Yet, he ripped it out. Hmm.

“Explosion to the second level.”

Now he’s working for level three and a high score.

“Just barely fits in there.”

Because he’s trying to fit it in there.

“Backs continue to mount.”

Orgy! Orgy! Orgy!

“Undersized in the middle.”

But no one’s complaining.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“Tamp him on the butt and say let’s go do it here again.”

At least they have a plan.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Gruden’s Man Crush? Clowney and his big body. Get a room.
  • Why do the announcers only talk about the Steelers? There are more teams than just that one. They’re having issues and aren’t number one over all… find someone else for a change.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! My Bengals are starting to look better. Whew. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 7 #football #funny @meganslayer

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Gotta love football. The fun, the games, the excitement… I can’t get enough. I’ve watched the other games, but not my Bengals. Why? It seems to be working for them when I don’t watch, but take in the other games, so I’m going with it. Yes, I’m superstitious. Grin.

Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions because it’s time to laugh:

“Moved out of the box; brings it.” 

Where is he taking it to?

“Using a bunch of tight ends.”

Because he doesn’t believe in one and done.

“Just flips it out there.”

He’s the favorite for a reason.

“Wearing on you and eventually pull away.”

Is that like wearing you down? Then changing his mind? I’m not sure.

Now for the Quotes from Week 7. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Snap it out; strung it out.”

Then do-se-do. Whoop!

“Rotating a lot of bodies.”

He plows through until he finds the right one.

“All that handing off; their splitting.”

That’s too bad. They’re good together. I wish they could’ve made it work.

“Fakes it hard, held onto it, releases it.”

Because he wants to tease until the climax is past due.

“He comes inside.”

Because he finally let them have the orgasm.

“I didn’t get much meat in there.”

Then find another guy. Fill out the meat portion. It’s not hard. Duh.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“Rubbin’ one off.”

In the middle of the field? Really? With everyone watching? What a kink! I bet he’s popular.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Gruden sure got stuck on Clowney. He’s a great player, but good grief, you’d think they were dating. At least that Gruden had a serious Joe Buck style crush.
  • Why does every commentator have to compare every team to the Steelers? There are other teams out there. The Steelers have been good, but come on. Compare to the Patriors, the Bears or anyone else.
  • Another thing…when the clips are shown, why does every team have to be shown playing against the Bengals or Browns? Again, there are other teams and I’m sure not every team has their best plays against those two teams. Showing the highlights of another team playing the Browns isn’t fair–the Browns aren’t that great. Make the highlights come from a good game, not a rout.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! My Bengals are starting to look better. Whew. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 6 #football #funny @meganslayer

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The Bengals had an off week, which could be good…could be bad. Depends. It does appear the new OC is helping, so let’s hope it continues to do so. The Browns lost…no shock there. I wish they’d get everything some kind of sorted out. Ah…eventually, right?Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions because it’s time to laugh:

“Impossibly flexible.” 

I want to see pictures. Demonstrations.

“Gigantic Ball.”

Let’s hope there’s nothing wrong with it.

“He got lathered up.”

For? Details, man!

“Intended for the tight end–deflected.”

Guess he didn’t want it after all.

Now for the Quotes from Week 5. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Couldn’t handle it.”

Then deflect it.

“Gotta get that thing back down there.”

It’s out of control!!

“Takes him inside, then goes all the way back outside.”

Tease.

“Grabs him from behind.”

Must be tired of being teased.

“His hands are so good.”

That’s why he’s the favorite.

“Little grabs everywhere.”

Someone put a leash on him! Uncalled for.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“He can be streaky.”

Um…is he glass cleaner? Toilet cleaner? Why else would he be streaky? Just asking.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • When Collinsworth gets stuck on a team/player, he’s stuck. Is he turning into Joe Buck?
  • The commentators sure enjoy second-guessing the refs. They make dumb calls, don’t get me wrong, but not EVERY call is wrong.
  • What is it with certain players/teams getting away with cheap shots, hard hits and really uncool actions, while others don’t? Hmm…. Is Goodell being paid off? Makes one wonder…

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 5 #football #funny @meganslayer

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It’s that time…time to laugh. We need a few laughs right now since it’s not been a great week. Let’s launch right into the Honorable Mentions:

“He’s got a big arm.” 

Ah, but what’s he doing with it?

“He’s nothing if not entertaining.”

Well, with that big arm, of course.

“Opening more holes than we’ve seen tonight.”

It’s that big arm, man!

“Would love to stack the box.”

If he’s using that big arm, then there might not be enough room, but feel free to try.

Now for the Quotes from Week 5. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Look at that penetration.”

It’s the arm.

“Soon you’re clutching underneath.”

Clutching or clenching?

“Leading into the hole.”

Like a honing device.

“Complimentary receiver.”

If where he’s leading is wanting, then more the merrier.

“Right on top of him.”

Because he’s the complimentary receiver.

“You may feel some pressure and you’ll have to step up.”

Is this football, sex or an exam from a doctor? Jeebus.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“I didn’t get much meat there.”

He was talking about a sandwich, but since we’re in the midst of a football game…it just sounds sexist and kinky. Maybe they like that meat in there.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • What’s with the pointing out the obvious? We saw it. Don’t circle it, too.
  • What’s the questioning and re-questioning the refs? Just show the play and let it play out. Don’t try to be the ref. You have no idea what you’re doing..

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 4 #football #funny @meganslayer

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Well, I didn’t watch the win since the household decided to not watch football – I watched some anyway because…it’s football and I love my sport – for the time being, but the Bengals pulled one off. Okay, so it was against the Browns. I actually thought it would be a decent match up. Maybe I was the only one. Shrugs. It’s still a win and we needed that.

To celebrate the win, let’s get to the quotes!! Here are the ones from last week and a few from week 2.

“He wants to spread it out on each snap.” 

He must be the Fonz.

“Took it right in the drops.”

I’ve never heard of it that way, but if that’s the new slang…the drops.

“A had penetration, but B finished the job.”

So DP, but A never finished?

“Just physical contact and not a blow.”

I think you need physical contact for the blow, but if it’s just straight doin’ it, then just physical contact would be right.

Now for the Quotes from Week 4. Sometimes…yeah, just think before you speak. This is live TV.

“Vertical presence at the tight end position.”

That’s a salute, that is.

“Poke him in the eye…ya come right back.”

Or you get decked.

“No one playing better in the red zone.”

That’s not what she said.

“Lingered a little over him.”

Making sure it’s good to the last drop.

“They wanted Gore, they got more Gore.”

Was it messy or the man?

“Got a body on him.”

Like, the guy is bigger or that’s just how much…er…body…he’s got? These things need to be explained and illustrated better.

Now for the Doozy of the Week. There is always one quote that just…blows the mind. This one is a real ringer. 

“Trying to fit the hole.”

It’s rather important the player fits the hole. The play certainly isn’t more fun if it’s too small or WAY too big. Just sayin’.

~ ~ ~

Side notes:

  • Someone explain to me why Collinsworth is so infatuated with checks. He checked everything on the screen!
  • Who was Gruden’s Go To? Evan Engram. Couldn’t stop talking about him. Oh and Matt Stafford being worth the money. Reminded me of a certain Musburger moment.
  • We don’t need Gruden to state the obvious. It’s a catch. We saw that. But the thing about Gruden…once he states the obvious, he NEVER expands on it. Okay, so WHY was that team bad in the red zone last year? If you’re going to talk, make it make sense.

**Here’s to a good season, less CTE, more great plays and lots of fun! I haven’t thrown in the towel on the Bengals, but good grief, we’ve got to start looking better. Sheesh. Oh, and WHO DEY!**

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0

Monday Morning Armchair Quarterback, Regular Season, Week 3 #football @meganslayer

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I started this blog feature because I love the sport of football. I started it because of the funny things the announcers said. Much of what they say is pure drivel, but some of it is fodder for comedy.  Taking things up the middle, tight ends in a row…shoving it in. Those can be the start of funny lines and stories. I love to laugh. I love to watch football.

When I was a kid, I didn’t have much choice. Sundays were for football. Saturdays were for college football. No questions. We watched even if we didn’t want to. Why? Because that’s what my grandfather loved. Even if his team wasn’t winning, we watched. I knew when we went to his house on Sunday, there wouldn’t be any cartoons on. No kid shows or even non sports shows. Just football. During the summer, it was baseball.

At home with my folks, the same rules applied. Football in the winter and baseball in the summer. I grew up in a house divided. Mom and brother were Cleveland fans in baseball and football and father and I loved Cincinnati. There were infamous moments such as the Cleveland-Denver game that kept Cleveland from the AFC Championship (aka The Drive) or the Super Bowl in which the Bengals managed to lose to the 49ers (in our house it was known as the boot game because a work boot was thrown in anger after the loss). We lived and survived the relocation of the Browns to Baltimore and the perpetual rebuild of the 1999 replacement Browns team. It’s been tough.

I feel closer to my grandfather when I watch football. Why? Because he loved the sport so. It’s tough for me this year because he’s no longer here. I can’t put my feet up and listen to him argue with the refs or give coaching advice that the players will never hear.

I’d love to find humor in the sport of football right now. I really would. I’d love to be able to ignore what’s going on and focus on the game. But I can’t. I’m struggling. I don’t want these guys playing the game I love coming down with brain injuries. That’s terrible. But there’s a catch-22. No hard hits means no brain injury, but if they don’t tackle, then what’s the point of playing the game? Should we rename it touch football? Flag football? Get rid of the sport entirely?

I’m not seeing a whole lot of funny in the sport these days.  Not because my team isn’t playing well. That happens. Good playing comes in waves. Some years are great. Others aren’t. Players move on. Players get hurt. Some lose their touch. Others come on like wildfire. Others just have a spark that burns out too quickly. Some groups mesh while others can’t find the magic. Some coaches and staff inspire. Some divide. Sports dynasties rise and they fall. Like I said, that all happens. But the state of the sport scares me. I want to watch the game. I want to be entertained. I want to see grit, determination and spunk. Sometimes it feels like that grit and determination have disappeared in favor of other things.

Do I have answers about what’s going on? I have thoughts, but I won’t express them here. Maybe next week I’ll feel differently and will be able to post about the funnies from the game. I’ve got a whole notebook filled with three years of silly quotes. So many games and so many silly things said.

I bleed red and white for my Reds and orange and black for my Bengals, but right now I don’t see anything funny. Maybe soon. I hope soon. I love my sports. I hope they love me, too.

 

 

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Andy Dalton, #14, Quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals
By Melissa Batson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0